The A Word

Eventually, I am going to look at this as a lesson, meant to be but for right now I just feel like throwing a pity party. It’s not even for me though, it’s for my daughter. My heart feels heavy for her. I feel like I gave her this burden. Thankfully, I’ve done enough research ahead of this to know that there isn’t anything I did that caused this. I had, not a perfect pregnancy, but not a terrible one either. Absolutely no alcohol or drugs, I took my vitamins everyday. I read the books. I’m not saying I was picture perfect, because I was far from. But I still thought I did everything right. All the major, birth defect, ones anyway. It’s hard even saying that because autism isn’t a birth defect. Not that I find disorder any easier to say.

All of that being said, if it is autism, I will do everything in my power for that little girl to get the best shot at everything she wants or needs. Here’s the problem, on the one side of me I know all of these things about autism and so many kids I’ve worked with, but when it comes to my own daughter suddenly I’m at a loss for words. My mind goes blank and I have no idea what to do, what to say, where to go, or even who I am. Speechless, like a deer in headlights. The psychologist said if there’s anything I want her to work on she could make an appointment. Work on? But that would mean that there’s something wrong with her or that we need to change something. I don’t want to change her, I don’t want to “fix” her, I want to help her. I want to give her the best life possible. ASD or not. If she walks out with a diagnosis I will use it to fuel my fire. We will access and create every resource we need to, and I will know that is why I am here. This is my purpose. Because everything has a reason. Nothing is for not. It can’t be.